Full House Tonight
by TryingToFindTime
Summary: The Happy Tree Theater is putting on a play tonight, and everybody is excited about it. The show is even sold-out! There is only one problem... Nobody showed up to rehearsal. Now the tree friends are in the spotlight, and there's no script! Based on Just Another High School Play.
1. Apologize

**Are you looking for a blatant rip-off of superior comedic talent? Do you have a desire to read a story that only exists for the purpose of allowing an author to practice at a hobby that she is clearly no good at? Then this Fanfic is for you!**

**Seriously, you don't have to read this. There are much better things you could be doing. **

**No? Are you positive? I'm sure ButterflyBabyBlue might have something interesting up. **

**Come on! Aren't you at least going to see if Paranoia Fuel has been updated? **

**You mean it?**

**You're actually going to read this?**

…

**..**

**.**

**Ok. If you insist!**

**(No seriously, this is going to suck hard. Just give honest feedback and try to have fun with it! I certainly did. Also, DISCLAIMER: I do not own Just Another High School Play. I'm not nearly as funny as Byran Starchman. Enjoy!)**

The theatre was packed. In fact, it came as no surprise to anybody that almost every person in town had now claimed a seat among the rows of chairs. Extra folding chairs had been brought inside to accommodate more audience members, long since having violated the strict 375 room occupancy limit. Small children sat in their mother's laps, and some people were even siting on the floor.

There is a reason behind this madness. Happy Tree Town was small and secluded, (not to mention cursed), and so whenever a group of volunteers decided to put on a production, everyone jumped at the opportunity to be entertained. It was one of the only things that they had to look forward to, particularly because of all of the constant dying and enteral struggles that they had to live with being trapped in this town.

The crowd ceased their excited chatting when the deep, booming voice of the theater announcer echoed throughout the house.

"Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please!"

The announcer waited a moment for the rumble of the audience to subside before speaking again. "Before the show begins, the producers would like to make a few apologies prior to your viewing this fine piece of theatre."

Everybody in the audience began to murmur to each other nervously. Hundreds of pairs of eyes darted about the theatre, looking for the announcer in confusion.

"Ahem!"

Everybody whipped their heads towards the ceiling. A chorus of relived sighs arose when their eyes were met with a familiar sight:

Splendid.

The superhuman hovered high in the air of the theatre, a microphone in one hand and a note in the other. Clearing his throat, he began to speak again. "As I was saying, welcome to this year's stage production of…"

Splendid scanned the note hurriedly before awkwardly clearing his throat again. "Well! You all know what you're here to see!" he said, tugging nervously at his suit collar.

"Anyway, before the show begins, the producers would like to make a few apologies prior to your viewing this fine piece of theatre."

"We would like to apologize to the people of Happy Tree Town. We would also like to apologize to the people of Fan-Fiction-Net and Mondo Media. In fact, we would like to make a point of apologizing to anybody with a Wi-Fi connection in general."

"To the fan base of Dick Figures, we would like to apologize if some of the jokes go over your heads; we'll try to speak slowly."

"In addition, we'd like to apologize to anyone named Robert, Rob, or Robby. King Tutankhamen. The family and friends of Aubrey Ankrum, Rhode Montijo, Kenn Navarro and Warren Graff. Anyone who has a pet Chihuahua. The United Federation of Lumberjacks. All Republicans. All Democrats. Anyone lacking a sense of smell or humor."

"England."

"Anyone born between the years 1782 and 2005, excluding those born in 1953, 1972, and 1821."

"And finally, we would like to apologize to Thespis, the father of theatre."

By this time, many of the audience members who had drifted into daydreams were reeled back in through their subconscious by the mention of the word: Finally. It was a good thing to; some of them were ready to pass out from boredom.

"And now, without further delay, the Happy Tree Theater is proud to present…"

Splendid paused, slightly embarrassed for not knowing the name of the play the others would be preforming.

"…whatever the show for tonight is. Enjoy!"

With that, the blue-clad boy was off. As the audience clapped eagerly, Splendid flew to the sound booth, just above the mezzanine: The best seat in the house! Turning off his microphone, he sat down on top of the sound booth and waited for the show to begin.

The multitudes ceased clapping, and everyone quieted down as the lights began to dim. A single spotlight pierced the darkness and reached the red curtain.

They waited.

And waited.

And waited.

For one whole minute, nothing happened. There was no movement on stage.

The audience grew tense, confused and troubled by the lack of action. Suddenly, the curtain parted, and a girl with a clipboard and head set microphone, (nestled in her well-kempt blue locks), stumbled on stage. She stared at the crowd with wide eyes.

The audience stared back, equally startled and perplexed. After an exchange of intense silence, the girl finally spoke through grit, frightened teeth.

"Um… good evening! How's everybody doing tonight?"

An indifferent rumble came from the crowd. "Good!"

An awkward silence enveloped them again. The girl felt a bead of sweat forming on her brow. "Just one moment!" she said shakily, "I'll be right back!"

She ran back into the curtain, almost slipping and falling on her way. Up in the sound booth, Sniffles shook his head nervously and adjusted his headset to a low volume. "This is not going to end well…"

**Blehhhhhh.**

**I tried. **

**Any feedback is good feedback! **


	2. On Our Own

Petunia steadied herself before jogging across the stage and entering the girl's dressing room. There was no one in there at the moment getting ready, but that didn't concern her. Right now, as the stage manager, she had bigger problems to deal with.

"Sniffles?" she hushed into her microphone, "talk to me."

From the headset the boy's voice replied in a muffled tone. "I'm here. What's going on?"

"Nothing." She said, rushing back to the curtain. "Which is sort of a problem, right now, if you haven't noticed!"

"Don't get snappy with me. I'm just the sound guy!" said the bookworm indigently.

"Whatever." She huffed, peaking nervously through the red curtain. "Have you seen the assistant director?"

"You mean Giggles? Yeah. I saw her in the prop room before the show started. She said something about taking a nap in between acts."

Petunia dug her fingers into her hair and moaned. "For the love of Pete!"

With a growl of frustration, she strode purposely to the prop room and stuck her head inside. "Would somebody wake up the assistant director?!" she bellowed.

High up in the sound booth, Sniffles was thankful that he had planned ahead by turning his volume down.

A timid redhead tiptoed into the doorway after Petunia. Petunia stared at her with expectant eyes. "Aren't you going to wake her up?"

"Um…" the girl began softly, "Gig-g-gles said n-not to w-wake-"

"I am the stage manager! When I say I want something done, I want something done!" Petunia jabbed a finger towards the prop room and into the teary-eyed girl's face. "Now get back in there and wake Giggles up!"

The girl didn't need any further motivation, and she was off towards the prop room like a shot. Petunia peaked out from the giant cloak of red and sighed as she felt herself breaking out into a terrible sweat.

"Heeeeeey Petuuuuuuunia"

The blue-haired girl turned abruptly to face Giggles, who was, as usual, clad completely in bright pink. The assistant director stumbled towards her groggily as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "What's going on?"

"The play is going on!" Petunia growled, "Why are you asleep?!"

"I'm not asleep," Giggles said, yawning, "I'm wide awake."

"Good. Because I need your help stalling."

"Huh?" Giggles said, confused.

Petunia parted the curtain slightly, "Go out there and stall."

The pink girl jumped back from the curtain, startled. "No way! There's, like," Giggles brought a finger up to the curtain and attempted to count the members of the audience, but gave up. "One thousand people out there!"

"You're in this as deep as I am, Giggles!" Petunia snarled.

"You're in this deeper!" the other girl countered.

"Um… Petunia…"

The fighting pair whipped their heads around to face the redheaded girl. She held a piece of paper in her tiny hand.

"What is it, Flaky?" Petunia asked, still fuming.

"Uh…" Flaky began timidly, "D-D-Director L-Lumpy left a note for you…"

Taking it from Flaky's hand, she swiftly unfolded the paper and read aloud.

"My dearest students, its opening night, and I would like to say a few words of encouragement on behalf of the theater department. However, because none of you bothered to show up to rehearsals…"

Petunia pointed a finger accusingly at Giggles. "You didn't show up to rehearsals?!"

Giggles felt a bead of nervous sweat building up. "Well… I had that thing… with that guy…"

"Oh, that oh-so-important date with Cro-marmot?" Petunia said sarcastically. "The guy with the hairy forehead, right?"

"Hey, he doesn't have a hairy forehead! He has a pronounced hairline." Giggles retorted. "And what about you? You don't even know what play we're doing!"

"I couldn't make it to rehearsals…" Petunia hurried to come up with an excuse. "My, uh, grandma died."

"That's gotta be at least the tenth grandma." Giggles said skeptically.

"I have a big family."

"Sounds more like a cult, to me!"

Petunia waved a hand at her dismissively and continued reading. "However, because none of you bothered to show up to rehearsals, I decided not to bother showing up to the play at all. I have no doubt that you have a full house of people on the brink of turning into an angry mob. To escape the shame of directing the worst play in Happy Tree Theater history, I have made the decision to pack up, and run away to Switzerland. Upon arrival, I fully intend to become a professional clog-dancer and change my name to Kleinenmannmitengenhosen. With that, I bid you farewell."

"Awwwwww." Giggles cooed, "Mr. Lumpy is finally following his dream! Godspeed, Kleinen-mann-eng-whatever-his-name-is!"

"I don't. Believe this." Petunia moaned. "This is a joke, right? He can't be serious!" she rubbed her temples in exasperation.

"Flaky!" Petunia soon bellowed, "Bring everyone on stage. We have serious work to do!"

* * *

**Yeah, a short chapter. Shorter than what I usually do. I discovered that I feel much more comfortable writing if I update in small chunks. **

**And I didn't expect to get a review within a few hours of publishing, thanks a bunch!**

**Any feedback is good feedback! **

_**I'm so sorry Europe, I love you.**_


	3. Pink & Blue, FAQ!

It didn't take long for Flaky to round up the cast and crew backstage. Cuddles, Toothy, Mime, Lammy, Lifty, his twin brother Shifty, Nutty, Flippy, Mole, Handy, Disco Bear, and Russell were all gathered in a half circle near the prop room, jabbering away, confused and terrified at the thought of the play going under.

"Quiet!" Petunia said after some time, "Everyone, settle down!"

The group fell silent, and the stressed-out stage manager began to speak.

"Ok everybody, as most of you have already gathered, the play has started."

She looked to the cast as if asking for conformation then continued.

"As you also may have gathered," Petunia slowly said, trying to keep her composure, "Just about none of us showed up to any rehearsals. As a result, we now have a theater full of people expecting a show, and we have no show to give them."

Petunia dragged out a cardboard box and plopped it down in front of the others. "This is a box of scripts I found backstage. They're old and dusty so my guess is that this audience won't be familiar with what's in the box. If we just keep calm and play it cool, maybe we can get out of this with our reputations intact."

Cuddles raised his hand, a quizzical expression on his face.

"What is it Cuddles?"

"Well, not to be rude Petunia, but how do you expect this show to go over well? Those people came for a narrative, and the fur is going to fly if they have to wait much longer. Besides, I'm tired." The blonde boy said, yawning slightly.

"He has a point." Toothy added. "I mean, wouldn't it just be easier to refund the money and forget that this ever happened?"

"No way!" Petunia said, infuriated. "The people waiting out there paid for a show, and they're going to get one."

She opened the box and tossed a few soiled manuscripts onto the stage floor. "Mime and Mole, you two are on stage crew with Lifty and Shifty. The rest of you, grab a script and get to work!"

"Wait a second," Handy said, "How are we supposed to run the show? We don't even have a set."

"_Then build one_." Petunia uttered dangerously.

The cast awkwardly looked to each other for a moment before hurrying to the fallen packets, taking those that they favored.

"Petunia," Giggles whispered, "They can't memorize an entire play in just a few minutes."

Petunia brought a hand to her face and groaned. "They aren't memorizing a play, Giggles. They just have to find something entertaining and act it out. You know, improvise."

She lifted her arms into the air inspiringly. "We'll call it; Happy Tree Theater: A showcase of scenes!"

"Boooooring." Giggles said in a cross manner.

"You have any better ideas?"

"Well, no." Giggles admitted.

"Then shut it. Right now, we need to keep that audience happy." Petunia parted the curtain again. "Now get out there and stall."

"Why me?" Giggles pouted.

"_You're _the assistant director!" Petunia snapped.

"_You're_ the stage manager!" The pink girl countered.

"What do you want from me, Giggles? We have to do something soon, or we'll lose the audience! What do you suggest?"

"Fine." Giggles said defeated, "But what are we supposed to do?"

"Just follow my lead." Petunia opened the curtain and stepped on stage, Giggles following behind her reluctantly.

"Sorry to keep you waiting!" Petunia said in a warm, clear voice. "It would seem that there are a few minor technical difficulties involving the set."

The crowd rumbled, and Petunia felt the need to run her hands nervously through her hair. "Anyway, I'm the stage manager and this…"

Petunia dragged Giggles roughly towards her, preventing possible escape.

"This is Giggles, the assistant director."

"Uh…hello!" Giggles said as she struggled slightly under Petunia's grip.

"While we wait for things to get straightened out backstage, we thought we'd take this time to answer some frequently asked questions that we recorded in the lobby. Giggles, the box of questions if you please."

"Oh. That's backstage."

"Then grab it!" Petunia said, a slight edge to her voice.

Grumbling, the pink girl trudged towards stage right and stuck her head through the curtain.

"SOMEBODY GET ME THE BOX!"

In a matter of seconds a pair of trembling hands appeared; a blue cardboard box visible in their grasp.

"Thank you!" Giggles said sweetly. Gingerly taking the box, she walked back to Petunia, who stuck her hand inside. She extracted a handful of small paper strips and unfolded the first one.

"This is a question from someone named Bobby. Bobby asks: What does it take for someone to become an assistant director."?

Giggles huffed with pride. "Well, being an assistant director is a tough job Bobby. It requires a lot of skill, patience, and a serious appreciation for theatrical talent. Most of all, being an assistant director is about knowing what you do, and doing what you love!"

Petunia was slightly taken aback by the pink girl's reply. "Wow Giggles, that was a great response." She said earnestly. "Now, as far as stage managing goes-"

"With all due respect Petunia," Giggles said, cutting Petunia off suddenly, "I think that we should just stick to the questions at hand."

Petunia was outraged as the audience began to chuckle, but she held her tongue. The blue-haired girl turned her attention to the next slip.

"Our next question comes from someone named…" Petunia paused, awestruck and somewhat appalled. "Mr. Luscious."

The people in the audience found this amusing. Soft laughter echoed in the theater for several seconds before Petunia was able to speak again.

"Mr. Luscious would like to know if: A: The assistant director is single, and B: If she would be interested in going on a date with him some time. We aren't going to be answering this quest-"

"Woah, wait a minute Petunia." Giggles shouted. "The gentlemen asked a thought provoking question, and it deserves to be given an answer." Twisting her fingers in her hair bashfully, she spoke out to the audience in a dreamy voice. "As it just so happens, I am single. And depending on the circumstances, I may be inclined to-"

"Stop!" Petunia belted, "Nobody cares about your love life Giggles. We're supposed to be relishing the magic of theatre, not determining whether or not you're available."

Giggles stopped speaking, but she flashed a "call me" gesture to the audience when she thought Petunia wasn't looking.

Petunia took a moment to look for another slip. "This one is from…" she stopped and looked out into the audience. "Really? What is wrong with you people?"

"Why, what does it say?"

Petunia waved the paper slip at the crowd. "From the Professor of Cool?"

Giggles looked oddly distraught. "What's wrong with Professor of Cool? _I _think it's a perfect anonymous title."

"Perfectly _stupid_." Petunia responded in a critical tone. She shuffled through the rest of the slips hurriedly, reading off as many as she possibly could out loud. "The Love Doctor, Succulent Steve, Stan Scrumptious…Wait a second…"

Petunia shuffled the slips again and examined them more closely. She suddenly had a very perplexed and furious expression on her face. "Giggles!" she screeched, turning to face her. "These are all written in _your _handwriting!"

The audience seemed to find this hysterically funny. Giggles was so embarrassed that her face turned the color of her hair and clothes. She quietly made her escape backstage, Petunia not even bothering to stop her at this point.

"We'll have to take a moment or so to see if those problems backstage have been corrected." Petunia said. "After that, it'll be on with the show!"

The crowd clapped enthusiastically, and Petunia retreated behind the curtain, hopeful, but frightened out of her wits.

Sniffles's voice rang in her ear through the headset. "Nice save. Maybe the show won't tank after all."

"You aren't helping Sniffles."

"Sorry."

* * *

**Terrible ending is terrible.**

**Thank you so much for the follows, favs, and reviews! You guys are awesome!**

**Any feedback is good feedback!**


	4. Greeks,LoveLetters & Kleptos

"Hey Handy, pass me the hammer, would'ya?"

Handy, (who ironically had no hands at all), took no offense to this request. Being the determined cast member that he was, he clenched a nearby hammer in between his teeth, (his jaws strengthened by years of unorthodox construction work), and climbed the step-ladder.

Cuddles took the hammer from him, smiling somewhat. "Thanks."

As the blonde boy began to pound away at a protruding nail, Handy took a few steps back to examine their work.

The set looked like some sort of giant, poorly fabricated collage. Different sets from plays and musicals of years' past had been bound together, the gaps filled with poster board that the cast had found backstage. Despite the fact that it was a hodge-podge of unrelated material, it was sturdy, and everyone was proud of it.

"What in heaven's name is _that_?" said Petunia after her eyes were greeted by the disproportioned mess.

Well, almost everyone.

Handy turned on heel, somewhat offended now. "It's the set."

"You call that a set? It looks like a widow's quilt!"

Cuddles widened his eyes in disbelief. "You're the one who told us to build a set. And now you're telling us that you're not happy with it?"

"Yeah, what were you expecting in less than ten minutes? A cornfield in Oklahoma?"

"I was expecting something cohesive." She replied coldly.

"Well, you'll just have to live with it." Handy said, putting his foot down. "It's better than not having a set at all. Besides, this one is pretty sturdy for being put up so fast." He pounded on one of the walls, making his point.

Petunia took a moment to rub her temples and calm down before she spoke again. "Have you and the others been working and your scenes?"

"Well, the others have, as far as I know. But Cuddles and I have been working on the set this whole time."

Petunia left for the dressing rooms without another question. She found the rest of the cast in the male dressing room, all of them staring awkwardly at their scripts.

"How is it going in here?"

Flippy spoke with an uneasy tone. "Well, we have the basic idea, but-"

"What now?" Petunia said, frustrated.

"There's a copyright infringement issue." Lammy said. She held up the back of her script to Petunia and pointed out the infringement information paragraph to her.

Petunia read it and groaned. "So you can't perform any of these?"

"Well…" Flaky began, "There is a way around it…"

Petunia urged her to continue. "If we change the title, and the majority of the lines, I… I think we can get away with a spoof."

"You _think_, or you _know_?" Petunia asked, an irritated tone to her voice.

"We don't have much of a choice in the matter now, Petunia." Lammy said gently. "We'll just have to risk it."

"Fine. When will you guys be ready to go on?"

Flippy shrugged his shoulders. "Twenty minutes, give or take."

"What!?" Petunia shrieked. "We don't have twenty minutes! What are we supposed to do till then?"

There was silence for a moment. Suddenly Lammy had an idea. She ran to the closet and pulled out huge book titled: _The History of Contemporary Theatre. _

"Petunia," she said confidently. "I'll need two of your actors on stage with me."

Petunia turned to the others. "Do any of you know your lines well enough to stall with Lammy?"

They all shook their heads. Sighing, Petunia took Lammy by the arm and led her up to the stage. "You'll have to go out there now."

"What about-"

"I'll find someone. Just get out there for now!"

The girl gulped and peaked out at the audience, who were looking very bored. Her stomach felt queasy, and she could feel herself sweating, but she urged herself forward.

"The show must go on!" She told herself. '_Besides_,' she thought fearfully, '_what's Petunia going to do to me if I don't go?'_

She turned to Petunia just in time to see her whacking one of the Klepto twins upside the head.

'_Better not wait to find out…'_

Lammy parted the curtain and went on stage, the huge, thick book clenched in her hands. She opened it to the first page and read aloud to the audience.

"When one thinks of the greats, one often thinks of Shakespeare and other great western playwrights from the Elizabethan era. However, before there was Shakespeare, there were the Greeks. Ah, the Greeks! The biggest influence of modern theatre. Tonight, we're going to take a trip to ancient Greece to discover the roots of what we all know and love today."

"And helping her," Petunia chimed in off stage, "will be the Klepto brothers: Lifty and Shifty!"

The twins, (kicking and screaming), were shoved on stage and a light shone on them. They smiled awkwardly as the audience clapped.

Lammy sighed, relieved to not have to stall the crowd by herself.

She turned the page and read again.

"The Greeks were lovers of theatre." Lammy began. "The most popular plays involved great legends and stories of Greek mythology."

Lammy gestured to the twins. "Like stories of the Cyclops."

Lifty and Shifty stared at her clueless.

"I said," Lammy repeated; sweat forming on her brow, "Like stories of the Cyclops!"

"This is so stupid." Shifty whispered to his slightly younger brother.

"I know." Lifty replied.

"CYCOLPS!" Petunia shouted from offstage.

Grumbling, Lifty and Shifty conversed to one another. When they were done, they cheated out towards the audience.

They each covered one of their eyes with a slow-moving, lazy hand and uttered a weak: "Rawr."

Lammy frowned, unsatisfied, but she continued. "And the Hundred-Handed-Ones!"

The twins reacted slowly, taking their time to get into position. Lifty stood behind Shifty, and the two waved their arms behind one another to mimic a multi-limbed creature.

"Put some effort into it!" Lammy said angrily.

"This is stupid." Shifty said. "Why do we have to act this stuff out?"

"It isn't that hard!" Lammy handed the book to Shifty. "Here, watch."

Lammy stood next to Lifty and motioned for Shifty to read from the book.

"The Greeks wrote long epics, like the Siege of Troy." Shifty said. "In this play, the Greeks stormed the streets of Troy to rescue the most beautiful woman in the world."

Lammy raised her arms into the air, smiling sweetly. "I am Helen, the face that launched a thousand ships!"

Shifty suddenly snickered. He pointed a finger at Lammy and then turned his head to face the curtain. "Seriously guys? This is hottest chick we have backstage?" Lammy blushed when the audience began to chuckle slightly.

"Shut your face, Shifty!" She threatened.

"You're the one who wanted to act it out." Shifty said, shrugging. "You put yourself at my mercy."

"Quit breaking character!" Petunia growled offstage.

Lammy stormed over to Shifty and tore the book from his hands. She scanned the pages and then read aloud from it again.

"The Greeks also invented the first tragedies." Lammy said. She handed the book to Lifty.

"Erm… A tragedy is when everything that can go wrong, does go wrong." He read.

Suddenly Shifty smirked, overcome by a stroke of genius. "Yeah, when things go wrong. Like the time Lifty sent Lammy that desperate and creepy valentine."

For the first time since the trio had stepped on stage, the audience released genuine laughter. Lifty and Lammy's mouths hung open in shock, (both incredibly embarrassed), but Lifty more so. "Dude! We agreed we'd never talk about that again!"

"And after that she took it to the news station and had it published in the Happy Tree Times!" Shifty said, laughing heavily.

"Knock it off!" Lifty cried.

"Then Lifty tried to play it off by going to her house to talk it out." He pointed to Lammy, who was now blushing as if she had a fever.

"She tried to close the door on him, but he thought she was playing hard-to-get so he followed her inside-"

"Shut up, Shifty!"

"And then he walked in on her dad doing yoga in the nude!" He finished his story on a note of hysterical laughter, which the audience joined in on.

"I was there, Shifty! You don't have to remind me." Lifty turned away from his brother, flushed and furious.

Shifty kept on grinning like an idiot. "The audience wasn't there. And they probably don't even remember what the poem said." He gave his brother an expectant look.

Lifty caught on immediately. "Well, forget it! I'm not gonna recite it for you." He said, crossing his arms.

Shifty had a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Oh, I don't need you to." He said, his tone smooth and sinister. He reached in his shirt pocket and took out a folded piece of paper. "I have a copy of it right here!"

Lifty turned tail to his brother, a horrified expression on his face. "Where did you get that!?"

"From the newspaper, of course!" Shifty replied, quickly unfolding the poem. "I _would_ have the original copy, but you, my own brother, are so secretive towards me; you kept it hidden from me that whole time."

"To avoid _this_!" Lifty said, enraged. "Why do you even have that?"

Shifty turned to him sharply, pretending to be very offended. "Why shouldn't I have a copy of a poem that my favorite little brother wrote? Whenever I'm in a bad mood, I can just take out this little poem and say: 'Hey, my baby brother wrote this!' I instantly feel better knowing that nicer sibling does stupid stuff like this!" Shifty almost dropped to the floor, he was laughing so hard.

"That's it!" Lifty shouted, lunging to his twin and dropping the book in the process, "hand it over!"

"Sharing is caring, Lifty!" Shifty said, dodging his attacker. "In fact, I feel so generous that I think I'd like to share this poem with the whole theater!"

"You'd better not!" Lifty growled.

Shifty smirked and dropped to his knees at Lammy's feet. He removed his hat and held the poem up to his eyes. "Roses are red! Violets are blue! Lammy, if you won't be mine, I'll cry myself to sleep at night thinking of you!"

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Lifty tackled Shifty and the two had a brief scuffle on the stage. After Shifty managed to break free, Sniffles, (who was still coped up in the sound booth), thought it would be funny to play the Benny Hill theme song as the two fought. Needless to say, Lifty was not amused.

Shifty jumped off the stage and began laughing madly as his brother chased him up the isles, his enraged cries of: "I'LL KILL YOU!" resonating in the theater.

Meanwhile, poor Lammy seemed to be stuck in some sort of daze on stage. The audience laughed at the awkward silence before Lammy at last came to her senses.

"And _that_," she hollered, "would be an example of a tragedy!"

**Waka Waka, better luck next time Lifty.**

**The Benny Hill almost didn't happen, but it ended up happening. That is my explanation. It just ended up happening. **

…**yes.**

**Anywho, thanks for the reviews, follows and favs!**

**Any feedback is good feedback! **


	5. Why Sniffles needed a key

**Woot! Two chapters relased for my stories in one afternoon! I'm on a roll!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

The blue-haired stage manager was less than thrilled when Lifty and Shifty turned Lammy's history lesson into a brawl, effectively putting her out two stage hands and two possible actors for goodness knows how long. She was even less pleased to be informed by Flaky that the cast in charge of the open scene rounds were still not ready to perform.

After inflicting several consequence- free beatings and applying a quick thirty second temple massage, Petunia extracted a black-ink pen from the prop closest and flipped her clipboard to a clean sheet of paper. On the top margin she penned in the words: _Scene Round Lineup. _She then flipped to another new sheet and wrote: _Following Acts_. Switching to the first page once again, she hung the clipboard from a crooked nail in the boy's dressing room and gathered the cast for a brief announcement regarding it.

"Alright, I think it's fairly clear to everyone why we're in this mess. We have no idea what we're doing, and this must be horrible and stressful for everyone, not _just me_; I acknowledge that. But we have to pull ourselves together if we want to come out of this on top. I won't apologize for being pushy, because that's exactly what we need right now!"

Toothy, who was currently rubbing a hand across his sore, tender scalp, raised his arm in a questioning gesture.

"That also means that I won't apologize for smacking you upside the head, Toothy." Petunia said firmly.

The purple-haired boy slowly lowered his hand in dismay.

Petunia continued. "The clipboard here is for upcoming acts tonight. If we have to wing the entire play, I _at least_ want to give the impression that we know what we're doing."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"_Shut up, Cuddles_," Petunia growled, "or you're getting what Toothy got ten-fold!"

That effectively buttoned the young blonde up. Once Petunia had a brief moment to seethe, she continued her thought.

"You can ask the assistant director if you have any questions."

Cuddles raised his hand once more.

"What is it _this_ time, Cuddles?"

"I haven't seen Giggles since the F.A.Q."

"I haven't seen her either." Flippy added.

Petunia's eyes widened. "For heaven's sake, has _anybody_ seen the assistant director?"

"Here I am." Giggles replied, yawning as she slowly trudged out of the girl's dressing room, (which was practically always empty nowadays).

"Where have you been?" Petunia snapped.

"Oh," said Giggles, "Just taking a nap before the play starts. And ya'know, I had this crazy dream, and you, and Flaky, and everybody was in it!"

"Giggles-"

"I had this insane dream that _none_ of us showed up to rehearsal, and Director Lumpy abandoned us…"

"Giggles-"

"And we had to make up the _entire _play all by ourselves!" she paused from her tangent to fill her lungs with air. "Pretty nutso, huh?"

"Ludicrous." Petunia spoke through grit teeth. "Say Giggles, would you do me a favor and look out that curtain?"

Giggles, oblivious, skipped to the drapery. "It was the _funniest_ dream ever!" she continued, parting the red cloth. "Lumpy was moving somewhere to become a clog-dancer, whatever that is. And then-"

Giggles froze as she saw countless pairs of eyes bombarding her. With a startled flick of her wrist she snapped the curtain shut. "Crap."

"Crap is right." said the blue-haired stage manager. "Now hurry up and tend to the scene round performers; I have a show to save."

* * *

The lights dimmed once more and a hush swept over the crowd. A single spotlight shone against the curtain as the theater fell silent.

Footsteps were heard behind the tower of red.

_Pat, THUNK._

_Pat, THUNK._

Many eyebrows arose at the sound of this. When the mysterious figure appeared on stage, no one could recognize him at first. Soon enough, everything was quite clear at once.

Russell stood proudly with his peg-leg thrust outwards. A puffy dress-shirt peaked out from his long, flowing cloak, (an obviously poor attempt at imitating Elizabethan clothing).While not in his usual pirate attire, he still sported his eye-patch and captain's hat, which frankly made him look ridiculous, if not a walking paradox. Mothers in the audience had great difficulty keeping their children from pointing at him rudely.

Russell extracted a foam skull from his cloak and held it up to the heavens.

"YAR. To be, or not to be…_that_, be the question!"

Petunia buried her head in her hands. "Sweet lord have mercy…"

"YAR. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to sufferrr the slings and arrrrrows of outrrrageous forrrtune, or to take arrrrrms against a sea of trrroubles, YAR, and by-"

**MOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Seemingly out of nowhere, the sound of a bleating cow filled the theater, cutting off Russell's soliloquy of rolling-r's.

He shook it off and continued. "And by opposin' end 'em. To die, YAR. To sleep-"

**COCK-A-DOODLE DOOOOOOO**

Again he was interrupted. Russell squinted his eyes in irritation.

"No morrrrre. And by sleep we say we end the hearrrrtache-"

**CAW, CAW, CAW**

"And the thousand-"

**ROAR**

"Naturrrral-"

**BAAAAAAAAA**

"SHOCKS-"

**NEIGHHHHHH**

"Alright!" Petunia said, storming on stage, "what's going on out here?"

"YAR. Some scallywag is in the sound booth messin' up me act!"

Although most everyone was secretly pleased about this, Petunia was not in the mood to deal with horseplay. Angrily, she shouted into the headset. "Sniffles! What the devil are you doing up there?"

Her ears were met with the sound of an immature raspberry before she lost the signal on the headset. Not Sniffles. _Definitely_ not Sniffles

"If he isn't up there, then who is?" Petunia asked aloud.

Just then, she spotted Lifty jogging down the aisle.

"Where have you been?" Petunia called out in frustration. "And where is Shifty?"

Lifty needed a moment to catch his breath before answering. Panting heavily, he replied: "I chased him all the way up the aisle and into the lobby." He scowled, looking behind him. "And then he locked himself in the sound booth, and now he won't come out!"

"Shifty!" Petunia bellowed, her voice echoing in the theatre. "You get out of there right now!"

"YAR. Where ye be thinkin' Sniffles is if Shifty's in the booth now?" Russell asked Lifty.

"I'm not sure I want to find out…"

"Shifty!" Petunia repeated, "I mean it! Get out of that booth! You're hindering our prog-"

**WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF**

Shifty only dared to cut her off because he was locked in the relative safety of the booth.

Petunia was outraged. "Oh, you think that's funny!?"

Shifty played the sound effect of an audience laughing. This in turn made Petunia even more enraged. She held her tongue as Russell protested.

"YAR. Ya'know, ye have some nerve screwin' round up in the booth, when tharrrr be REAL actors who be givin' the crowd their sweat, and tears an-"

Shifty responded to this poorly pronounced lecture by producing another sound effect, this time of a Booing audience.

"You know what, fine! We're just going to leave, see if we care!" Petunia cried, turning to the curtain as she towed Russell along.

The sound of a cheering crowd erupted from the booth as the stage manager massaged her temples only thing she could do was pray that the open scene rounds would be ready in time.

* * *

**Not really as funny as the fourth chapter, but indefinitely better than the second one.**

**Any feedback is good feedback! :)**


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